To post, or not to post.

I have been contemplating writing this post, but in the end this is a time if my life I want to remember and reflect upon. 

On October 18, 2013 Andy and I received the shocking news that I was pregnant. We were quite literally in shock and elated with the news. The doctors told us that more children was not a possibility and so the fact that we were was surprising. After we told Andy's oncologist the news she said to be very grateful, for this was indeed a miracle and this was not something that will continue to happen, but a major miracle we had received. After our first appointment we told our families, this was real and it was happening! 

The morning sickness was real and in effect! I was sicker than I had been with either two pregnancies and was still in a little shock that we were having a third. 

On December 10 I noticed a little spotting. I called the doctor, but she said not to worry. I wasn't experiencing any cramping and it was just a small amount. She said if it got worse, to call back. The next morning there was more. Fear struck my heart. This was our miracle baby, most assuredly he or she will be ok. 

I called the doctor and set an appointment for an ultrasound. Andy and I anxiously awaited our appointment time. We arrived and as soon as the ultrasound began I knew. There was no heartbeat. The little shrimp baby we had seen 3 weeks prior was not moving. My heart sank... I still held out hope that maybe I just didn't know where to look, but a few moment later the nurse confirmed. 

The rest of the day was a blur... Scheduling a D&C, taking it easy, telling our families. I have had many friends who have miscarried, but I never quite understood their feelings. I feel so guilty now for not being more sympathetic, more kind hearted, more anything! It is so much more than I ever thought. Recovery has been harder than anticipated, but as always Andy has been great, both taking care of the kids and getting me what I need...  Before surgery, after getting pain meds. 

We both have felt our Saviors love these last few days. I feel much like I did when Andy was first diagnosed, as if I am being watched over and the spirit is so close. I appreciate Lucas and Jane and their sweet spirits. I ache that they will not have another little sibling, and am glad I resisted in buying Jane that Big Sister shirt a few weeks ago. 

We hope we will have another chance at our miracle baby. Once again through our trial we have witnessed blessings in our life and we know that our Heavenly Father is mindful of us. 

Tonight we just needed to get out of he house.... We decided to go to Thanksgiving Point and drive through their Holiday Light show. We were all in our Pjs. When we arrived to pay the lady told us the car in front of us had paid for us. A total stranger who just wanted to do something nice. It made our night. I know it was only $8, but just the kind deed made the evening that much better. So thank you kind stranger!

The kids loved it. Since we were only driving 5 mph we got the kids out of their seats and let them sit up front. We loved hearing their oooo and awwwws. 

Lucas' favorite.... The dinosaur 

We are looking forward to a warm Christmas holiday in California and spending time with family. :)